Penis, Singing Penis. Penis That Sings.

grasshopper not shown

by chelsea schuyler

To enjoy the following article, you have to be adult enough to appreciate the “in relation to its size” statistic, which as a child was difficult for me. Hearing that a grasshopper, if it were the size of a human, could jump over the empire state building was impressive when I was 10, until the disappointing realization that despite the interesting tidbit, no one, human or otherwise, was in fact jumping over the empire state building.

So when I tell you that the loudest animal ON EARTH cannot be seen from space let alone from 5 feet away, try to be adult about it enough to be impressed. However, as to how this animal makes noise, I do invite you to invoke as much 12 year old boy humor as possible.

Our hero
an elephant and a blue whale discuss their new-found ignominy

A 2mm long aquatic insect called the Lesser Water Boatman attracts mates by singing with its penis. Rubbing its penis against ridges on its abdomen (in fact, what happened to washboarding), the “song” reaches 78-100 decibels, the decibel equivalent of a passing freight train. (I know, still no freight trains, but still.) An elephant, for comparison, reaches 117dB, a blue whale, 188dB. Humans walking by can even hear it, which is amazing because 99% of the sound is lost in the water-air interface. It pretty much sounds like a bug, like any you’d hear in a field, like a one-note cricket or a truncated cicada.

The boatman’s Latin name is M. scholtzi, which I kept reading as ‘schloztsky’ which at first I thought was an unbelievably convenient euphemism for penis, until I looked it up and found the sandwich restaurant (which may or may not offer cock-a-leekie soup – just sayin’). Anyway, though I’m pretty sure I was thinking of the Yiddish term ‘schmeckel’, I don’t think it was a far cry.

Scientists attribute this sound craziness to the fact that the insects have no auditory predators, so as the stud scholtzis got louder and louder to drown out the competition, they weren’t attracting attention from anything that would eat them, and therefore the trait was never checked. Parisian biologist Dr. Jerome Sueur referred to this phenomenon as “runaway selection,” my new favorite term.  That selection is out of control! Out of control!!

I’m just picturing females going “Does that mean it’s louder?” and the males going “well, it’s 1 louder, isn’t it? This goes to 11.” But there’s no satirist to imply the ridiculousness. The study was even published originally in a journal called PLoS One.

Logo at Boatman INC headquarters

Dr. Sueur concludes, “This water bug might be the exception that proves the rule that stipulates that the size and the intensity of a source are positively related.” That is as close as you will ever get a scientist to saying that size matters.

dissed for all eternity

Well, you find a better way to compensate when your first name is Lesser.  This name brought to you by the Attenborough empire of Europe, who also brought you the ‘Greater’ AND the ‘Lesser Shag’ – a common waterbird that less harsh Americans call the Cormorant because we believe that everyone, if they work hard enough, can become a Greater Shag).


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