Werewolves in Film: Where’s the Wolf?

wolf tails | Chelsea Scrolls
Look at those luscious tails!

The Importance of Animal Attributes

Who wouldn’t want a tail?  I mean, taking out social ostracizing and all that nonsense, we’re ugly enough as it is, a tail would be a vast improvement.

lemur tail | Chelsea Scrolls

That said, I would like to speak today on the subject of werewolves.

Especially regarding that of werewolf portrayal, of which I am infinitely skeptical.  If there is no tail then the wolf may as well be ruined for me.

werewolf | Chelsea Scrolls
Upright?? No. Down boy! And where’s that tail??

Wolves have tails.  If you are cursed to turn into a wolf, then turn into a friggin wolf and sport a tail. Also – be on all fours!! Bipedal werewolves are just hairy men – and they got enough to deal with.

Marina Sirtis’ Take

Now, Marina Sirtis has an excellent point that could be attributed to this irksome pet peeve of movie watching.  Sirtis is mainly known for her role as Deanna Troi on Star Trek Next Generation, but more importantly voiced the fabulously evil Demona on the cartoon Gargoyles (who had beautiful, prehensile tail – just sayin’).

Demona and Marina Sirtis | Chelsea Scrolls
Demona cos-player (complete with tail) and Sirtis

Anyway, a Trekkie wasted his one question to the great Sirtis by saying, “why do all your characters from alien worlds look human?”

To which Sirtis brilliantly responded with a smile, “when our actors stop being human, maybe we can improve on that.”  That’s not an exact quote despite my use of quotations.  Just go with it.

The point is, point taken.  Our actors in werewolf movies don’t have tails.  But neither do they have teeth, hair, or glowing eyes, so I hardly see how it would be SO difficult to add a tail.

Best Werewolf Example in Film

Even better, use an Actual wolf!  Or wolf footage, or dogs that look like wolves, or whatever the PC thing is to do these days.  I have to say, the best werewolf portrayal has got to be from the movie Blood and Chocolate.

wolves | Chelsea Scrolls
Actual wolves – stock footage abounds!!

I’m not saying it was the best named movie (chocolate, really?) or the necessarily best scripted, though I’d say better than tolerable despite an almost overkill of looming teen angst.  I’m just saying that their use of wolves is incredible.

Some of the scenes beg the question, Whoa! um, humane treatment of animals?  (according to the credits, everything was supervised).  And the transformation from human to wolf doesn’t boast a giant budget, but neither does it spew a trying-too-hard clay-mation pain inducer.  It’s simply kind of a bright blinding, insert-magic-here thing.  Which I can appreciate.

Most importantly, they have tails, and second and arguably just as importantly, they’re not SLIMEY.

Slimey Werewolves? WTF (Where’s The Fur?)

When did the slime thing come in?  Derived I imagine from the frothing at the mouth thing, but even the most rabid dog ain’t gonna be all Alien 3 about it.

snail | Chelsea Scrolls
Who needs slime? Weresnails, that’s who, and that’s it.

The WORST modern portrayal of werewolves I’ve seen has got to be Underworld.  How can a movie have such subtle vampires with cool blue eyes and from what I remember, excellent trench coats, yet screw up werewolves so badly?

Granted, they’re not “werewolves” officially, they’re “lycans” but come on, they’re werewolves and you know it.  Lycans, like “lycanthropy?” perhaps?  Or that of: “the supernatural transformation of a person into a wolf.”

dictionary | Chelsea Scrolls
Lycanthropy. Look it up.

Friggin werewolves people, they’re just trying to get out of how lame they are.  Way, WAY too CGI’d.  Witness the overkill below.  No people.  Bad llama!  That’s all folks.  Watch carefully.

Photos in the public domain EXCEPT:
demona – photo by Ezmeralda Von Katz, CC BY-SA 4.0
wolf pack – photo by Ebbaswiki, CC BY-SA 4.0


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