Tag Archive: poison produce

Cairo and Egyptian pyramids | Chelsea Scrolls

Contrary to my desolate, isolated imaginings, the Egyptian pyramids are a quick cab ride from Cairo.

by chelsea schuyler

The White Person’s Reprieve

seven wonders | Chelsea Scrolls

Artists largely not to several scales impressions of the Seven Wonders (left to right, top to bottom: Great Pyramid of Giza, Hanging Gardens of Babylon, Temple of Artemis, Statue of Zeus, Mausoleum at Halicarnassus, Colossus of Rhodes, Lighthouse of Alexandria)

If you’re white, like I know I am, there’s a lot to feel guilty for. Top of the list? Slavery.

So when I’m taking a white privileged break from the guilt of my ancestry and the inevitable, if unintentional, consequences of my own racism in my American society, I think about fun things like the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

Except I’m stymied there too, cuz I can’t really remember what any of them are, except for the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt. But wait, that was built by slaves. Man! Now every 6.5 million tons of stone is riddled with the sadness of drudgery and torture. Way to ruin it, slaves.

But allow me to deliver the (non-Bible related) good news. They weren’t actually slaves! I just assumed they were. Why? Because I’m so white that I can’t imagine something so grandiose not being built by slaves? Well, maybe, but to be fair, I was misled.

Herodotus | Chelsea Scrolls

Herodotus: The first fake news

Alternative Facts Misled Us

The Pyramid of Giza was built in 2560 BCE. Greek historian Herodotus visited the pyramids in 450 BCE and wrote about it, estimating that about 100,000 slaves must have built it.

Then, in 1977, then Israeli prime minister Menachem Begin visited, then went to the Museum in Cairo and said “We built the pyramids”, meaning the Jews.

Menachem Begin, Egyptian Museum | Chelsea Scrolls

“If you can’t say nuthin true (in front of a giant group of experts on the subject), don’t say nuthin at all”

Ignoring the tiny detail that Jews didn’t exist yet, but who ever said the Israelites knew anything about Jews? Y NetNews.com reported that historians and archeologists were quite offended, “the Egyptian press was full of protest articles.”

Ha! This is why the world should be ruled by scientists. There wouldn’t be any wars, just the renowned fury of swift letters to the editor!!

Archeology Says ‘Duh’

Anyway, so how do we know now that these builders weren’t slaves? There certainly were slaves at the time, so it’s not a totally crazy notion. However, Harvard Magazine says that the following evidence helped:

sliced bread and freed slaves | Chelsea Scrolls


  • geological history
  • analysis of living arrangements
  • bread-making technology
  • animal remains

Bread-making technology. Technology. Of bread-making. Yeah, okay. As long as we can say that these workers not being slaves is the best thing since (primitive-technology-chronologically-excluding:) sliced bread.

Basically, here’s what points to well-fed, respected workers:

pyramid city Egypt | Chelsea Scrolls

Pyramid city – formally underground

  • A ‘pyramid city’ found deep in the sand nearby, which could have housed the rotating teams of about 10,000 workers, each working in 3 month stints for 30 years (per pyramid – the successor pharaohs wanted pyramids too).
  • This city included ancient bakeries – which they recognized from the conical bread pot remnants that match tomb hieroglyphics of the bread-making process. Keep in mind that large scale production of anything was not a thing in ancient times, so this is epic.
  • Evidence of nearby clover fields (used to feed cattle) but no cattle bones to be found.
  • conical Egyptian bread | Chelsea Scrolls

    Actual conical bread turds from a tomb at Giza

    Scads of bones at the pyramid city, to the point where it is estimated that workers ate 21 cattle and 23 sheep a day, the best meat available at the time.

  • Tombs specifically for workers were very recently found near to the pyramids. No treasure, and no mummification (just regular corpses), suggesting that the people weren’t THAT revered as to be royalty or anything, but important and respected enough to be buried near the Great Pyramid, with tubs of beer and bread for the afterlife. The lack of treasure made these of no interest to looters, leaving them pristine (cool!!).

Let’s Not Go Crazy

Now, this doesn’t mean these workers were just so idyllic that they happily skipped along in the heat hauling rocks like tanned Smurfs singing and carving JOY in their diaries each day.

great pyramids and smurf | Chelsea Scrolls

La laa, la la la la

Their bodily remains show all the signs of a very hard-working and painful (arthritis, etc) life. Some of the single blocks of the pyramids weigh nine tons. You can steak me all you want, that’s still a rough job.

But yes, they were indeed loyal to the pharaoh, and also, at that time manual labor was just a part of the culture (of the lower classes anyway), intertwined with religion, status, purpose, and yes, a lack of ample, independent choice. For a peasant of Egypt the promise of meat, bread, beer, and relative glory in the afterlife would have looked pretty Smurfin’ good.

hieroglyphics of egypt | Chelsea Scrolls

Lay off, I’m reading.

Our Bad, We Got Distracted

So why did it take so long to discover this? Well, if you found three gargantuan, ancient tombs filled with treasure and symbols and mummies and royalty and myth, are you really gonna go digging in the sand miles away just to see if there’s anything there?

inside the Great Pyramid | Chelsea ScrollsKeep in mind there was also hieroglyphics to decode, which was only figured out in 1822, and remember that the pyramids aren’t empty – they’ve got hallways and chambers and all kinds of cool stuff.

But, after all that Tomb Raider fodder died down, some Egyptologists went looking a little further.

Suck It Heston

Well, sweet – now I can appreciate the pyramidal amazitude without a dark cloud of human cruelty hanging over me. Granted, this kinda dampers the Hollywood mood set for decades.

charlton heston moses | Chelsea Scrolls

WTF my people?

Heston fans who remember the ‘Let my people go’ scene can now imagine all those people going “screw off, I ain’t givin up my daily meat to starve in some desert!”

Oh – and why is the pyramid the only wonder I can remember? Because it’s the only one still standing. Just goes to show that healthy, free workers ensure long-lasting, quality achievements without need for whipping and various horrors.*

*21 and 23 daily cattle and sheep beg to differ, but..one step at a time.

Images in the public domain except:



You pick them because they look good...

by chelsea schuyler

Helping Us Not Miss Produce

It’s about this time of year that I say to myself, remember produce? Delicious summertime wonderfood of berryliciousness. But because there are endless months until the good stuff comes back again, I feel some sour grapes are necessary to help the withdrawal.

(artists rendition of cantaloupe in question)

Produce hates us. That’s really all there is to it. Some are just posers who have jumped on the hate-humans bandwagon, transporting deadly pathogens to our table like those Colorado cantaloupes a few months ago. Those melons of mayhem were smuggling Listeria on their rinds, which when cut spread to the meat and then to the digestive tracts of the 9 who died (or 8 or 7 or “as many as 4,” depending on which article you read. I love “as many as” –are they not quite dead yet? are we debating whether old Hubert can be classified as a person?).

Franz Listz 1811-1886

No one saw it coming, Listeria is usually associated with deli meats or soft cheeses, which just seem more hateful by nature, but produce?? (Listeria is not to be confused with Lisztomania, named for the crazed fans of 1840’s Hungarian composer Franz Liszt, whose behavior, according to most sources, were not produce related) .

Glass In Your Chardonnay

Another hatred carrier are the 24,000 pounds of frozen peas and carrots recalled in 2010 after several consumers found shards of glass in the bags. Now, you may be thinking, “a few shards of glass, how harmful could that be to my soft tissues?” But just ask the Food and Drug Admniistration who analyzed 190 foreign objects in food and can now tell us that “Hard or sharp foreign objects in food may cause traumatic injury including laceration and perforation of tissues….”

I see nothing wrong with this perfectly good caramel sauce

Wow, thank you FDA, I was just about to sit down to some shattered-window and pea casserole, but now I shall certainly think twice. I wonder, at what point during those 190 trials did you begin to see the final conclusion take shape? Was it that 181st trial of needle soup that it all became clear?

The Naturally Poisonous

Then there’s the produce that is just inherently anti-us. The apricots, plums, cherries, peaches, apples, etc whose pits are packing high levels of Cyanide Satan, clear expressions of our unwelcome.

I only eat Whole Organic Death

It’s normal not to consider pits as a part of a balanced breakfast (unlike Cocoa puffs), but every once in awhile we forget. For example, health food stores were selling 8oz bags of apricot pits imported from Pakistan (like our apricot pits aren’t good enough?) that, if eaten all at once, have twice the lethal dose of cyanide! Supposedly they are a good source of relief from constipation. I suppose death could be argued as a form of relief, so, I guess that’s valid.

Mr. Potato Death

Science Daily has an article about the potato and how evil it is, saying: “The Solanaceae are known for possessing a diverse range of alkaloidal glucosides, or simply alkaloids. As far as humans are concerned, these alkaloids can be desirable, toxic, or both…”

‘or both’?? No, I’m sorry, I think I’m gonna have to call the mutually exclusive police on that one. They never explain that by the way, we’re just left to wonder at the amazing powers of toxic desirability.

there may be something wrong with this potato

Toxic desirability!

Just know that if you find green spots in your potato, it means it has been exposed to the sun, triggering it to release Solanine, a defensive mechanism meant to ward of fungus and pests, but occasionally dabbles in killing small children as well.

Most of the death toll from potatoes in the last 50 years has been from eating green potatoes, or drinking potato leaf tea. Really hippies? There is plenty of diversity in tea land, let this one go. And leave that puffer fish tea on the shelf while you’re at it.

Nobody Suspects the Nutmeg

Nutmeg though, is so evil it has caused TWO deaths in the last hundred years, in 1908 and 2001. Two grams can cause nausea, fever, and headaches. Over 7 grams can cause convulsions and hallucinations! God forbid you eat the whole nutmeg which can lead to an awesome affliction called “nutmeg psychosis,” which includes “feelings of impending doom, confusion, and agitation.” You gotta love anything that causes feelings of impending doom.

Think Death

The sad thing is you just know that in 1908 it was some well-meaning schmuck who just wanted to make especially strong eggnog or something, but in 2001 you know it’s some kid in it for the hallucinations. Sigh. Cool points for the death certificate that says ‘Nutmeg Psychosis’ on it though.

Don’t Listen to Bad Ideas

So people, you don’t need the FDA or the internet to tell you that you shouldn’t eat things that are instinctively inedible, like glass, pits, or entire nutmegs. In fact don’t listen to the internet at all really, or you’ll end up following useless “helpful” tidbits like this aside from Listverse.com:

“Incidentally, if you want to eat an apple and find a worm in it, you can drop it in a bowl of salt water which will kill the worm.”

Yeah, we're done here.

Salt water?? First of all, if I find a worm in my apple I’m gonna be psychologically traumatized and probably burning all apples for months, especially THAT apple. I’d have to be starving (in which case I should be happy for the worm’s protein), but even if I’m feeling particularly unwasteful, bobbing for worm-infested apples in a vat of Atlantic Ocean is not going to “save” the apple for me. Now I just have a salty Braeburn with dead worms rotting in it. Not helpful.

Eat smart. Not even smart, just common sense. Mmm, common sense.

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