Get One Load of This

moderate-extremely creepy

Spider webs.  Have you ever wondered how spiders can possibly make so much of that stuff?  It’s constant webbing all the time.  I thought our perpetual saliva production/recycling was impressive, but then someone gave me 6 saltines and i was sorely disappointed in our race.  Like it’s not bad enough that we only have two legs and two eyes.  The only satisfaction I have is that webbing is carried in liquid form in a sack inside the spider (only when it makes contact with air does it solidify and be the default webbing we know and love and wipe off our face 7 times every friggin time we go empty the compost.  not that i’m bitter). I may not be able to construct stronger-than-steel dreamcatchers on any ole branch, but at least i don’t feel like i have to pee all the time.  Four sets of crossed legs amuses me.

But scientists aren’t satisfied with such  mediocre sour grapes.  They’ve invented all kinds of villainous comic book ways to discredit the spider’s incredible creations.  Surely you’ve all heard of drugged spiders, which will always be fascinating, it’s the law.  I thought i would include this picture on principle, as a subtle reminder to the coffee drinkers of Portland just what Caffeine is doing to their productivity.  See other drug effects here.

the real price of coffee
1970s anti-gravity web-building station

What you may not have seen, are spiderwebs…SEEN FROM SPACE! (((SPACE, space, space))). No wait, UNDER THE EFFECTS OF SPACE!  (((um, space space space.  *ahem*))).

In 1973 two sad, humiliated European Garden Spiders (Anita and Arabella) were put onto a shuttle called Skylab 3 by sick-in-the-head Massachusetts college student Judy Mills to see if anti-gravity webs would be any different then peaceful, flowers-in-your-hair, earth webs.  The “spidernauts,” having been launched in their space vials, were totally WTF for a few days and had to be coerced onto the provided window box after impatient experimenters got tired of waiting.  Eventually, Arabella did make a web, the silk varied in thickness, unknown in gravity-laden spiders, but you try making a web in space and see how perfect you can be.   They then fed the spiders fillet mignon, gave them more water, and Arabella made a more consistent web.  Yes, fillet mignon, i wasn’t kidding.  Nasa Mignon is right next to the space ice cream at the science museum evidently.  Both spiders died on the flight.  Why?  Well, there was evidence of dehydration, my dear Watson.  Here lies the most confused spiders that ever lived, ever.

Exactly 30 years later another shuttle was launched, the STS-107 (lame, what happend to cutesy 70s names like ‘Skylab3?’), one entirely for scientific research with over 30 experiments to conduct and 7 crew members to conduct them.  The shuttle was in space for its scheduled 16 days.  However, it disintegrated upon reentry into the earth’s atmosphere, leaving no survivors.  Didn’t see that coming?   Apparently some foam piece broke off the thermal protection syst–whatever, the spiders totally did it.

So kids, don’t embarrass spiders, and never, ever, feed them fillet mignon.

Austrian artists collective "For Use" made a web out of 700 rolls of packing tape in this awesome Viennese building
um, little help...

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